“Teenage Cowgirls is a really fast-moving, beautifully photographed and well-edited film that won immediate praise. It has an excellent cast, a good script, and a delightful soundtrack. A real-shoot ‘em up, porno Western, with a High Noon-style shootout, at the end. A great flick!”
The description, presumably provided by Video-X-Pix, is about 60% accurate (which is way more than you can say for the title and especially the box art*), but provides a decent jumping off point. First, a quick story recap:
Outlaw Rio (John Holmes, credited as Long John Wodd) and his partner English Gentleman Duke Grande (Charles Orlando), are on the run from a bounty hunter named Hendricks. They encounter the proprietress (Lilly Foster) of a General Store in a ghost town - whose husband is in the high country, tending cattle - and then a poor farmer (Adam Ward), his wife and her sister. Duke and the sister take up before she’s captured by Hendricks and held to lure Rio and Duke into town for the final showdown.
1. Really fast-moving
Well, the film’s only 63 minutes long and starts and ends briskly enough, but gets bogged down by a series of pretty boring, poorly shot sex scenes. A bit of a problem for a porno, to say the least.
2. Beautifully photographed and well-edited
By and large, the film looks fine and has the feel of a late ‘60s/early ‘70s Western.
3. An excellent cast
“A serviceable cast” would be charitable. Excepting Holmes, of course, none of the actors had much of a career. Amanda Blake, Brenda Day, and Sally Withers - all with only one credit - may have other unidentified films, but I wouldn't bet the farm. Also, Charles Orlando's pic at IAFD looks like a Bob Odenkirk Mr. Show character:
4. A good script
If there was more than a single page of actual written dialog, I’d be shocked. There was, however, a legitimately good exchange early on:
The film opens with Rio and an unnamed - and unseen, face-wise, anyway - woman in the act. After completion, Rio rides off and Hendricks, in pursuit, rides in:
HENDRICKS
Where’s the twelve-by-twelve bandit, ma’am?
WOMAN
Oh, I don’t know, but I can sho’ tell ya he was here.
HENDRICKS
Long as I’m here.
[Begins unbuttoning his shirt.]
Oh, shit…. Got no time, ma’am. But I’ll be back.
WOMAN
You better be a hell of a man if you intend to ride behind him.
That’s a quality double entendre!
5. A delightful soundtrack
Absolutely! There’s a bunch of Tammy Wynette ("He Knows All the Ways to Love", "If You Think I Love You Now", "The Joy of Being a Woman", "Make Me Your Kind of Woman", "The Only Thing", "We Sure Can Love Each Other"), some Hank Snow ("Come the Morning", "Go With My Heart", "I’m Movin’", "I Wish It Was Mine") and a bit of Sonny & Cher ("A Cowboy’s Work Is Never Done", "United We Stand").
6. A real-shoot ‘em up, porno Western, with a High Noon-style shootout, at the end
There was one shot the entire movie - which was during the High Noon-style shootout, at least - so “shoot ‘em up” hardly qualifies. But the standoff was fun. John Holmes always clearly relished (non-sex) action in his films, and his enthusiasm made up for any physical limitations (see: any fight scene in a Johnny Wadd film).
7. A great flick!
An okay flick!
There were two things that pleasantly surprised me:
First, when Rio and Duke held the female shopkeeper at gunpoint, I fully expected the ensuing sex scene to be framed by (threats of) violence. My expectations worsened when, after the shopkeeper fed them, Duke said to Rio, “Say, Rio, did the lady mention something about being taken advantage of?” (which...no, she didn’t?) and Rio hauled her off to a stable over his shoulder against her protests.
However, after he laid the blanket down on the straw, she became a willing participant. And not by the oft seen “struggling at first and then getting into” route, but by saying, “Well, shucks, I hadn’t had it in awhile,” (since her husband is off ranching) showing her as a woman with actual desire for sex, echoing the contemporaneous work of Nancy Friday. In fact, whether she actually has orgasms (possible, though not probable given the audio/video evidence), she purports to be coming twice during her first encounter with Rio (once each by cunnilingus and by intercourse) and once during their second (intercourse).
Second, I feared some degree of racial ugliness when the black actresses were introduced. It wouldn’t have been wholly unexpected given the film’s setting, but even when Hendricks was capturing Duke’s ladylove, he doesn’t utter even a “mild” slur.
I can’t say there were any halfway decent sex scenes. Holmes’s come closest, but for the most part, were shot horribly. The inability to get sex on film well was either because of or a reason for director Ted Denver’s short career (Teenage Cowgirls was one of only two credits).
Rimmer on Teenage Cowgirls (listed in "Classics" in the "Updated" section of his book):
“It’s surprising how few adult films use an old-time Western plot or background…. Shot almost entirely outdoors, it’s no great shakes as a cowboy picture, but it’s far more interesting than many current adult films.”
The only glaring error is that Rimmer calls Duke Grande “Duke Randy”, which is definitely wrong because after Rio calls him Duke “Grandy”, Duke replies, “How many times have I got to tell you, my name is Duke Grand-ay.”
Despite it’s sex scene shortcomings, I’d agree with Rimmer that the novelty of it being a relatively early John Holmes picture and the commitment to the look and feel of an “old-time Western” earn it a Collector’s Choice. And maybe I’m feeling generous because it subverted some of my expectations, but I’ll give it a CC100.
RANDOM NOTES
° * In a great example of the egregious practice of box art having nothing to do with the film, here's what Video-X-Pix mocked up for Teenage Cowgirls:
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