Pornonomy Reviews: She's So Fine

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Cupid's Arrow Review Follow Up, or, a Porn Reviewer's Conundrum

You could rightly ask why bother writing a review of a movie I obviously hated. The answer is partially because I hated it so much I had to write about it, but it's also partially because I felt the need to get some content on the blog. (Beyond the stereotypical "I'll write something soon" post, which I swore off and assure you that this post isn't. Completely, anyway.)

I've actually found myself wanting to write here lately but coming up against a familiar problem: Do I rewatch and review a film that I've seen and know is good (Amanda By Night, for instance), rewatch and review a film I think I've seen but don't really remember (Deep Rub), watch and review a film I haven't seen but sounds interesting because of the cast (Outlaw Ladies), or just watch and review whichever comes up next in the queue? And then secondarily, if I choose to rewatch and review a film, is it pointless to write about a film (Behind the Green Door, say) that's been written about a million times already?

I find that beyond that list of questions, I almost always fall into a Grass Is Greener trap: perhaps I'll start watching A Place Beyond Shame (which I've seen) to finally get the review done and then, five minutes into it, start thinking "Maybe I'm in the mood for California Gigolo (which I haven't seen) instead...."

Finally, three notes, in descending order of relatedness to this post:

1. How do you pick which movies you watch? (Primarily directed to Gore-Gore Girl and X-Ray Specs)

2. Though I know it's never, ever, ever going to happen, I still find myself wishing the online rental service I use allowed subscribers to dvd rental to stream VOD films as a part of their subscription charge (the way Netflix does).

3. I saw a picture of John Holmes (clothed) ages before I saw any of his films. I assumed he had an Andre the Giant-like deep voice, for some reason, and was shocked when I first heard him speak. To say nothing of how surprised I was that he was such a goofball.

Pornonomy Reviews: Cupid's Arrow

Cupid's Arrow (1984)

Directed by:
...Presumably porn's "Alan Smithee"

Starring:
Karen Summer
Lisa De Leeuw
Rosemarie
Dino Alexander
Jerry Davis
Robert Bullock

Consider, for one second, the box cover up there. With the exception of looking like she might be slightly congested, Lisa De Leeuw (on my short list of Best Adult Actresses of All Time) looks pretty damn good. Seeing that cover might make someone pretty excited to see the movie. Now, take that possible excitement to Cupid's Arrow and the idea that Lisa De Leeuw looks anything like that picture in Cupid's Arrow and blow them out of your head. Like, with a shotgun.

Some time ago, I wrote that I had "one unholy turd of a movie that I'm going to review eventually just to show a little range" in my grading. Well, brace yourselves, because this is that unholy turd. Fact is, though, this "review" is going to be pretty brief because my brain has done its damnedest to erase everything I saw those many months ago. If my hazy recollection is correct, the movie opens with a narrator telling Cupid's origin story over a guy dressed in red (Cupid, apparently) creeping into a house and lacing a bowl of fruit and/or some glasses or a carafe of some sort with Love Powder.

After Cupid sneaks out, Husband (Robert Bullock), Wife (Rosemarie), and Friend (Dino Alexander) are in the living room. Husband and Friend are talking about going to a hockey game, I think, and Wife is giving Husband the business. Then, Wife and Friend end up consuming something with the Love Powder and leave the room to have sex, unbeknownst to Husband. While they're absent, Husband's Ex-Wife (Lisa De Leeuw) shows up (looking kind of like she hasn't slept or eaten anything with nutritional value in a couple of weeks; if I didn't know better, I'd have guessed this was one of the last movies she was in, not shot the same year as Miss Passion or two years before her Traci-Lords-Was-Never-In-This-Movie scenes for Talk Dirty to Me 3) for some reason. Husband and/or Ex-Wife end up consuming something with the Love Powder and they go at it.

Or attempt to, anyway. This was the first time I saw Robert Bullock, and given his difficulty getting and inability maintaining an erection, I assumed it was the only movie he'd ever been in. Nope. In fairness, I've seen a few of his other movies since and found that he's capable of competent performances. Given the era and medium, I'll assume he was chock full of cocaine and alcohol. In fact, I'm going to assume everyone associated with this train wreck was loaded.

After Friend, Wife ends up having sex with an Electrician (Jerry Davis) that's at their house, I'm assuming, to fix something. Husband is in the bathtub when he's surprised by Woman (Karen Summer), or, if IMDb is to be believed, Traveling Saleswoman, setting off Round 2 of Robert Bullock's Semi-Erect Penis Extravaganza! After that, Saleswoman has sex with Friend and then Husband has Sex with Wife. Given the fact that I can only barely remember the last scene, I'm pretty sure I either tuned it out or fast forwarded through it. If there's any rhyme or reason to the convention of a porn like this, there was narration over the end of the last scene and/or closing credits. Of course, expecting any sense from this movie is probably granting waaaay too much.

Thinking back on this movie has me typing with a grimace. While I've seen other movies that I wouldn't hesitate to recommend avoiding (B.Y.O.B. comes to mind...although Eastern-European-Burt-Reynolds Sasha Gabor is always a little amusing), none of the recommendations would come with the speed or vehemence of the one for Cupid's Arrow. (I think I'm still bitter about the cover art bait and switch, common in porn, sure, but this one may be the worst offender I've ever seen.)

Initially I was going to grade this movie F-, but instead I've decided to create a grade for it: CA. A grade I hope I'll never give out again.

Pornonomy Reviews: Inside Seka

I realize I said A Place Beyond Shame was going to be the next review, but a series of uninteresting events have bumped Inside Seka to the number one spot.

Inside Seka (1980)

Directed by:
Seka
Ken Yontz*

Starring:
Bobbie Burns
Christie Ford
Merle Michaels
Suzanne Raven (as Portia)
Seka
Tara Mann
Ashley Moore (as C. More Ashley)
David Ruby
George Payne
Ken Yontz
Marc Valentine
Mike Feline
R. Bolla
Ron Hudd
Ron Jeremy
Roy Stuart


With a name and format (the tried and true sex scenes as recollections) giving every indication of a compilation, I was pleasantly surprised to see that Inside Seka wasn't. In this case, the scenes are shown as Seka recounts the acts to her husband while they have sex. Prior to the film, I was unfamiliar with Ken Yontz, so I didn't realize that her "husband" was actually "her husband." In addition to telling that Seka and Ken were actually married, the freeze frame at the end of the film said "[a]ll the events in the motion picture you have just seen have been true or actual reenacted events of my special fantasies," a sentence begging for an editor. I mean, if the events reenacted were of her special fantasies, wouldn't that just make them "enacted"?

Anyway, back to the film.... The first scene, Ken and Seka in the throes of missionary, is returned to after each of the dirty talked recollections are finished. Those scenes feature a pretty complete set of m and f combinations (f, mf, ff which becomes ffm, mfmm with a tangential m, and mf and mf swap; pretty much everything short of a relatively rare fff and a never-to-be-seen-in-straight-porn mm). Some highlights include an erotic but unbelievable Seka solo (I can't imagine a woman alive voluntarily contorting herself the way Seka does while masturbating), Plato's Retreat (which seems to be about the most quaint swingers' club in the world; one man, one woman, missionary for all!), one of, if not the best - for lack of a better term - titty-fucking scene I've ever seen, and perhaps most notably, a(n) (in)famous shot of Ron Jeremy sucking his own penis.

As a brief aside in regards to RJ's autofellatio, I remember reading him say that he has and will never finish himself off orally, which strikes me as probably untrue and ridiculously (though harmlessly) homophobic. It sort of reminded me of a part in Chemistry (one of the few post-1985 movies I've seen in the past five years) when Kurt Lockwood, while being anally penetrated by Mika Tan with a strap on, is quick to point out that he's only turned on by it because she's a woman. We get it, we get it; you're straight....

Since Jeremy's "talent" shows up on film very few times, it was a pretty big coup for Inside Seka to show it in it's most logically comical way. Seka, orally servicing three guys in a warehouse rebuffs her boss's advances telling him to go suck his own dick...so he does.

Throw away gimmick aside, the film has generally solid production values (the Plato's scene is very poorly lit, though), as-usual excellent performances by R. Bolla and Merle Michaels, and, of course Seka. The only problem I had with the film was that the climactic (pun partially intended) scene in Plato's was the longest, least interesting scene killing the otherwise great pacing. B-

As a post script, the review wouldn't be complete without mentioning the ridiculous theme song which, if the internet is to be believed (and really, when isn't it?) was to be possibly released on record. Yipes.




* "[w]ith unmentioned but very hands on support from Joe Sarno."

It's been a month of Sundays since a review.

...But I figured I'd put something up.

I'm re-reading The Other Hollywood (I read it once when I was first exploring the Golden Era and figured it'd be worth looking at again since I've got a better handle on who's who and what's what), which has prompted me to make A Place Beyond Shame - Seka's first adult film - my next review.

In the book, while talking about Seka, Veronica Hart drops one of the greatest lines of all time:

"As long as I have a face, Seka will always have a place to sit."

Pornonomy Reviews: Insatiable

Insatiable (1980)

Directed by:
Godfrey Daniels

Starring:
Jesie St. James [Anal Facial]
Joan Turner [NonSex]
Marilyn Chambers [Anal Facial Fisting]
Serena
David Morris
John Holmes (as John C. Holmes)
John Leslie
Mike Ranger
Richard Pacheco (as Richard Pachecho)
Robert Pennard [NonSex]


The main theme of Insatiable is right up there in the title: Sandra Chase (Marilyn Chambers) character is afflicted with a sex drive that knows neither bounds nor fulfillment. The fact that she’s a successful model/actress and multi-millionaire heiress that can’t be sexually satisfied lends a “money can’t buy love” undertone. Well, not “love” exactly…more like “money can’t buy a sufficient dicking” which probably won’t achieve the same sort of cultural acceptance as an adage.

While the film is doubtless an adult classic, beyond the high caliber of acting (including, but not limited to Chambers’ career defining performance), soundtrack (including Marilyn Chambers – what a Jill of all trades! – singing on a theme that, purposely or not, is reminiscent of Procol Harem’s “A Whiter Shade of Pale”), and location shooting (in rural American and London), the thing that I was most impressed by was the form of the narrative. While the majority of the film takes place over the span of a few days, while Flo (Jessie St. James) is putting together a movie deal that would star Sandra, Renee Reynolds (Serena – who, by the way, looks great sporting a short Mia Farrow-in-Rosemary’s Baby-esque hairstyle), and Roger Adams (John Leslie), a little into the film it’s revealed that that timeline is actually a re-telling of events as Sandra is “presently” in London with her aunt. Adding a level to that is a point in which Sandra recounts to Flo the loss of her virginity: kind of a flashback within a flashback.

What the film does open with is Sandra masturbating in bed. Her session is cut with a series of flashes of the scenes to come (no pun intended), so it functions as a sort of prologue. A phone call regarding the film project Sandra will star in is followed by a brief (but unmissable) and inspired Ivory Snow gag.

An introduction to her co-star, Renee Reynolds leads to a hot tub tryst between Chambers and Serena. Later, Sandra sets out on a joyride and happens upon Artie Greenberg whose truck broke down on the way to a softball game (as an aside, if I had a Greenberg Produce softball shirt made up, I wonder how long I’d have to wear it before anybody realized the reference…). Offering him a ride, instead of taking him to his game, she drives him into the woods and gives him a blowjob accompanied by what may be one of the great original songs ever recorded for a porno (“Sandra suck it faster/Suck it fast as you can”).

Upon returning home, Flo informs Sandra that Renee had to leave. Sandra then tells Flo about losing her virginity on her father’s pool table to one of their gardeners (Nick – David Morris, who, gifted with a time machine, I’d cast as the Tony Banta character in a porn Taxi parody). The scene rides the ambiguous line of coercion/consent, sexual pleasure/sexual assault, “no means no”/”no means yes” as ably as any I’ve seen. (Of course, the ambiguity is done away with after the retelling when Sandra confirms she was sexually ready for the encounter and while Nick could have hurt her, he didn’t.) Handled by different performers – not only is Chambers’ ability to stay in character throughout the scene impressive, Morris is able to be commanding, but not too – the scene could have been much, much darker (CJ Laing and Jamie Gillis would play out pretty uncomfortable, though no less erotic, scene).

Finally, Sandra, Flo, and Roger Adams have a dinner to finalize the plans for the film. (As another aside, if ever I had the means to employ a butler, he would definitely look like Sandra’s butler Charles - Robert Pennard - you can’t beat having your Eggs Benedict served by a Bond villain!) Flo and Roger have a history, and that history becomes a present on a patio chair after Sandra retires to bed. “Believable” is a word that’s been thrown around a lot in the smattering of reviews I’ve seen for Insatiable, but it’s most appropriate for this scene. While Leslie and St. James don’t appear to have performed together much, it’s really too bad because they have great chemistry.

In a scene reprising the opening shot, Chambers masturbates to a fantasy that’s beautifully orchestrated: Chambers, lying prone on a table, is pleasured by a people that emerge from the shadows in a dark room – in succession, David Morris, Mike Ranger, and Jessie St. James. Yet again, Chambers is left unsatisfied as the three return to the shadows, Chambers pleading “don’t leave me.” Then, the personification of Sandra’s hope of satisfaction materializes as John Holmes. Inevitably, Sandra is still left unsatisfied despite Holmes’ best…er…effort. Really, couple the fact that Sandra’s life is overshadowed by the white whale of her sexual satisfaction and that she lost her parents in an accident shortly after her coming of age, Sandra Chase is a remarkably tragic character. Amazingly, the film isn’t a huge downer.

Beyond the “classic” tag, I knew nothing of Insatiable, and while it was different than my expectations, it didn’t come up short. On the other hand, while I’d encourage interested porn viewers to check out Insatiable – especially for Chambers’ performance – there are others I’d recommend before it. So, I’ll give Insatiable a relatively arbitrary B+.


[This review's been done for weeks, but I've held off putting it up until I got screencaps done. Well, I figured I might as well post now and then put the caps up later.]

CSI: Pornography

Well, there really wasn't a "crime," so I guess there couldn't be a "crime scene," necessarily, but I cracked something that's been getting the better of me for a long ass time now.

As I've mentioned before, my interest in pornography was shaped early on by a stack of videos in my old man's closet. A few of the movies (Stiff Competition, The Filthy Rich, Talk Dirty to Me 3) resonated enough that it'll take some severe brain trauma for me to forget them. Others, even as an adolescent I realized kinda sucked. Then there were a few that existed in the middle ground: not mind-blowing enough for me to pore over, but then good enough for some specifics to stick with me over time.

One of the movies in the last group has eluded me for years. All I could remember was that the plot involved a man and woman in a committed relationship that decide engage in some cuckolding behavior. First, the man watches the woman with another woman, but after his partner leaves the room, he shows himself, scaring off the friend. Then, he's with two women while she's hidden, which is not what they'd agreed upon, so she forces him to watch her with two men to get even.

Unfortunately, it'd be hard enough to figure out a Hollywood movie with just the plot (there's one I remember that featured a teenage science whiz that comes upon a talking frog that I'm strongly considering submitting to "Ask the A.V. Club" if they bring that feature back), so forget about a porn. Even after I remembered that Paul Thomas was the male lead, it was an uphill battle.

Then, with mere minutes left in Visions of Jeannie (which I may or may not review at some point; I have a huuuuge prejudice against video...), out of seemingly nowhere, I remembered that Tracey Adams was the female lead. Thanks to IAFD and a Google Image search, I was able to figure out that the movie that has subconsciously haunted me for years was Dangerous Desires.

Now the only question left is: After all that time, do I dare watch the movie again, or let it exist as I remember it?