Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Pornonomy Reviews: Charm School

Charm School (1986)

Directed by:
Henri Pachard

Annette Haven
Bambi Allen
Jacqueline Lorians
Nikki Charm
Sheena Horne
Sheri St. Clair
Billy Haven
Nick Random
Scott Irish
Steve Drake
Tom Byron

Because Henri Pachard and Annette Haven's names are attached to this picture, I decided to check it out against my better judgement. Ultimately, it was a decision that was, while not disastrous, at the very least unfortunate.

Charm School can't be described as having a plot, it merely has a location: a charm school (uh duh). The concept of having a group of spoiled, trouble-making girls under the watch and tutelage of a strict school mistress is pretty fertile ground for either comedy (hijinks!) or drama (catty sniping), but this movie has neither. Instead, you get a cast of hastily considered characters that are basically interchangeable and sex scenes that are only barely set up, including two fmf scenes with two girls and the gym teacher (the hideously muscled Francois who spends entirely too long flexing - including a hilarious/horrifying display of his glutes - before the action proceeds) and two other girls and a pool boy. Both were set into action when Miss Callier (Haven) tells the girls to go to the gym and to the pool to work on their poise...or some such thing.

The only semblance of a plot is that stuck up suck up Victoria (Sheena Horne) and mob princess Rocky (Sheri St. Claire) don't like each other. Miss Callier attempts to break down their animosity through coached lesbian sex (of course!), but fails, resulting in Rocky having sex with Victoria's boyfriend (Scott Irish) which in turn results in Victoria having sex with Rocky's father (Nick Random).

Haven as Miss Callier should have been a strong point, given her knack of coming across as prim, proper, and even a bit icy (even when her characters are none of those things explicitly), but much of her dialogue comes off as ad libbed...stiffly. If there's a bright spot to be found, it's Nikki Charm's charisma.

While Lust on the Orient Express was an example of why a 1985 cut off is shortsighted, Charm School acts to reaffirm my initial decision. Actually, perhaps a better rule of thumb would be to just stamp anything shot on video as "Rejected." D

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