Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Pornonomy Reviews: Natural Lamporn's Frat House

Natural Lamporn's Frat House (1979 - VCX)

Directed by:
Sven Conrad

Hillary Summers (as Aimee Leigh)
Connie Peterson (as Catrina)
Lisa De Leeuw
Maria Tortuga (as Mana La Fantuna)
Tawny Pearl
Lou Denny
Michael Parker
Randy Allen
Turk Lyon

If “Characteristics of Pornos” was a Family Feud category (“Show me: Mustaches!”), surely some of the people surveyed would mention “dirty versions of ‘real’ movies” (think Lord of the Cockrings). So typical is the trope, that you could argue that new Not the Bradys parodies are parodies of the convention itself. (Who knew porn was so post-modern?)

Anyway, you’d expect that a film called Natural Lamporn’s Frat House would be a pretty cut-and-paste porno version of Animal House. If you weren’t privy to the “Natural Lamporn’s” part, though, you’d have no idea that some sort of connection was intended. The similarities basically end at “college,” “sex,” and “frat.” (Although the “frat” in Frat House seems to consist solely of four mid- to late-20s college seniors….)

While you’d expect a college sex comedy to follow a certain protagonist versus antagonist convention (students versus dean, nerds versus jocks), the antagonist in Frat House is not…having…sex? In that regard, I guess Frat House is sort of a 1979 version of American Pie.

The film opens with a “college life” montage with arguably the jauntiest score of any porn ever. Seriously, it’d fit perfectly in a film strip about how mail is delivered. The montage cuts to a jogger approached by a coed in a convertible. Offered a drink (he doesn’t drink), some weed (he doesn’t smoke), and finally a blowjob (well, who doesn’t get blowjobs?) you think “Well, at least he’s not a plumber.” After the deed’s done, though, you’re let in on the premise of the movie: the guys at the house have decided to live out all their fantasies before finals. Because, apparently, you can’t have sexual fantasies after college? And how quaint and old-fashioned does “sex in a car with a stranger” seem as a fantasy? By today’s porn standards it’d have to be something like “ass to mouth, slapping your dick around the girls face in the broom closet of a church” or something.

The idea of fantasy fulfillment is elaborated upon when the guys all meet up. There’s Roger (Mike Parker),the jogger who’s kind of a poor man’s late ‘70s porn edition of Eric Bana without the acting ability), Larry (Lou Denny), the sort of character you’d expect to be a math or engineering major who turns out to be an aspiring writer, “Snake Cock” Sutton (Turk Lyon), a guy who might reconsider his nickname, and Star (Randy Allen), a photography major who has the look and acting chops of a boom mike operator cast in the film at the last minute. Roger informs the guys that the plan relies on two levels of execution “individual activity and group activity.” As an aside, if as a college senior, I’d somehow decided to act out all my sexual fantasies, I doubt that I’d have thought to include my roommates in “group activities.”

Along the way, the guys work their way through fantasies that involve ‘70s porn and college movie staples including sex in a van (well, an RV, but who’s splitting hairs), a panty raid that turns into a pie fight, some of the baddest-ass lights ever to be hung around a bed, a take off on the infamous Mickey Rourke Diner popcorn box maneuver, and an orgy in a hot tub. And more, the guys realize they’re not ready to face the real world. Hey, you got life lessons in my porn!

It would be a disservice to Frat House to not mention Star's commercial parodies shown about three quarters of the way through (for example, the Brim Condoms, lubricated with Vaseline and Novocaine, narrated in a voice that owes more than a little to Aykroyd and Martin’s Wild and Crazy Guys). In fact, they have a craft and humor to them that typifies the rest of the film.

I’ve not been shy with my interest in porn from the late ‘70s and early ‘80s amongst my group of friends. A factor I find myself considering lately is, if I were asked to put on a porn during a party, would I put on the one I’m watching. I can say with certainty that, because of Frat House’s story, production values, acting (hey, it’s all relative), sweet soundtrack, and quality sex scenes, most definitely. A-


  1. Hurrah! And your review was worth the wait. A highly entertaining (and accurate) review. I really want to see this again now. There really are a lot of great old porn movies - I'm going to have to set up a separate checking account to afford all of them...